Media Death Wish

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July 24, 2016

If I get weapons of mass destruction, I won’t use them all on ISIS. I have to save some for the asshat media.

It’s remarkable that many scribbling weasels failed to recognize the greatness of my acceptance speech. A Washington Post editorial said “A Trump presidency would be dangerous for the nation and the world.”

Well, it would be dangerous for the Washington Post and its ferret-sucking owner Jeff Bezos. Oh, Jeff, congrats on becoming the third-richest person on the planet. After I’m done with you, Sidney Dipschitz, an accountant from Brooklyn, will have more scratch than you.

Writing in the Post, Jennifer Rubin, who is a conservative, allegedly, even made fun of my best line, “I am your voice.” Jennifer, sweetie, for you I’ll change the wording: I am your nightmare.

In Rolling Stone, Matt Taibbi said my appeal was, essentially, “Vote for me or die.” And he ended by saying, “When we finally pulled the lid off this guy, there was nothing there. Just a cheap fraud and TV huckster who got in way over his head, and will now lead his hoodwinked followers off the cliff of history.”

Matt, fella, a quick nuclear death is way, way too good for you. I’m going to get medieval on your ass. Oh, I love that line.

Mother Jones said I was trying to foster (Vince Foster?) the notion that a Crooked Hillary win would not be legitimate. Of course it wouldn’t be legitimate. And coming after Obama’s two illegitimate wins, that might be one assault too many for the American people to handle.

One person who liked the speech was David Duke, a candidate for the Senate in Louisiana. He says he takes joy at my rise to power. Now, I don’t know him, I’ve never heard of him, I disavow him, but I am honored that he feels I have helped him.

Chuck Todd asked Baby DonDon if Roger Ailes was helping my campaign and I refused to answer.

I would love to have Ailes Nixonize me. Ailes could then hire Bill Cosby for outreach to the blacks. And then we’ll hire some bimbo with big tits for outreach to women. Ivanka?

One final thought: Don’t you think anyone who speaks Spanish as well as Tim Kaine should be deported?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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