Emails and Shemales


October 29, 2016

The real scandal here is that Crooked Hillary was sending Anthony Weiner dick pics to Angela Merkel. And Angela Merkel said, “Send more.”

Seriously, this Hillary creature cannot be trusted with emails.

And now, Christ, there is a chance I might win. I talked to my favorite unindicted co-conspirator Chris Christie—I can’t believe he’s still head of my transition team—and he gave me some names for the cabinet. Tony Clams, Vinnie Fazool and Artie “Seven Indictments” Feldstein. Chris has spent way too much time in New Jersey.

So there is this horrible story called “Final Days” just posted by New York Magazine and written by that sleazoid Roger Ailes persecutor Gabriel Sherman. Everyone in it blames me for losing the election. It’s all lies! I will sue everyone mentioned in article!

They call me “unmanageable” and “not disciplined” and Kellyanne boasts about treating me like a toddler. Baby DonDon a toddler? I will go grope the bitch and we’ll see what she says then.

Manafort says he told me, “The election is about the American people, it’s not about you.” He says he told me to go hide in a cave for four months and I’d win. And you wonder why I got rid of the guy? Hey, Paulie, I will bury you in a cave, that I can tell you.

Some anonymous asshole says, “Trump is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. You have to trick him into doing what you want.”

Then one of my advisers says this about the mood at Trump Tower: “Think of the bunker right before Hitler killed himself. Donald’s in denial. They’re all in denial.”

Hey, pal, I will deny you the right to live is what I will do.

Of all my advisers, only son-in-law Jared seems entirely sane. For him, the big question is: How do we monetize this?

Yeah, baby.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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