May 7, 2017

So I was talking with EPA destroyer Scott “Go Frack Yourself” Pruitt and I asked about all those recent earthquakes in Oklahoma, a state that didn’t have them before the fracking boom.

“Your Exalted Super Baby DonDon, those tremors are actually wonderful things. They’re eco-orgasms, the Earth’s way of saying, ‘I liked that, please don’t stop.’”

Well, the Destroyer was now talking my language! We spent the next half hour in the Oval joking about women’s private parts. The Destroyer says he’s a grabber, just like me. “I’m gonna call you ‘Do It’ Pruitt from now on.”

Then Scott suggested that I think of changing our Science Be Bad slogan. He said it contains a grammatical error.

“It do?” I said.

He said he had a better idea: Science Can’t Hurt You If You Don’t Believe It. “That’s how we roll in Oklahoma.”

“That’s brilliant, Scott, and so true. What did Shakespeare say? ‘If you think something’s so, that’s the whole ballgame.’”

That’s how I roll. Wow, this could make our anti-science crusade sound almost smart. Who knows, maybe the planet will stop getting warmer because we don’t believe it’s getting warmer. And then I’d take credit for that.

Thoughts Be Powerful.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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