Dear Australians

February 2, 2017

Your leader Malcolm Turnbull is an idiot, President Obama was an idiot and I, His Exalted Super Baby DonDon, am renegotiating the stupid refugee deal just as if you were contractors working on one of my buildings. Under my new Allies Relations strategy known as AFGFY (America First, Go Fuck Yourself), here is the new deal: we’re not taking 1,250 refugees. Not gonna happen. Instead, we want 1,250 of your finest sheep. They will undergo extreme vetting by 200 pimply Texas boys who have never had a date. Just our way of saying welcome to America. Prime Minister Turnbull, we can fly you to Texas as well. Your call.

Because I and not the State Department—I guess I fired the State Department—negotiated this deal, the sheep will be my personal property. I may use them to pay my contractors. Or not.

That’s a good one, Super Baby DonDon, paying contractors! What a joker you are.

You are all my sheep.

The system is so rigged.

And I love it.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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