Big Birther


July 26, 2016

Yesterday was going so great—until those loudmouth deviants spoke at the Democratic Convention. Boy, can they make memories of Scott Baio fade fast.

Baby DonDon is pissed and confused. I’d fire someone, but my staff is so small I can’t.

The speeches were so good I fear Crooked Hillary will bounce like flubber. We’ll try to drown out future speakers with whoopee cushion noises over the PA system.

I want to rebut some charges. They said I don’t care about working people. Hey, I have dealt with lots of lowlifes on Celebrity Apprentice, so give me a break. You try dealing with a Gary Busey meltdown. Second, they’re talking about Russia doing the DNC email hack because Putin wants me to win. If I said that, everyone would say it’s a cockamamie conspiracy theory. But the Dems can state it as if it’s fact. Unfair. (By the way, I think Vladimir means “large hands” in Russian.)

When I heard Michelle Obama mention people who questioned her husband’s “citizenship or faith,” I got worried. If Hillary and her henchmen spoke about nothing but the birther issue for a week, I’d be toast.

This whole birther thing could come back to bite Baby DonDon in the ass. I had enormous fun with it and Roger Stone kept telling me the birther crap might be true. Then we found out it wasn’t.

“Should I apologize?” I asked Roger.

“Never! The fact that it’s not true means you have to say it louder. Double down. Attack! Attack! Attack! Tell people you sent investigators to Hawaii and they found appalling things.”

“Do I have to actually send people? Do you know what a round-trip to Hawaii costs?”

“You have to say you sent them. Doesn’t matter if you do or not. Then, later, you drop the subject. By that time, you’ll have millions of supporters who believe your conspiracy theory and you can’t risk pissing them off.”

So I did that and now I just say I don’t talk about the issue. But I think Hillary’s people smell weakness here. And some TV guy with a set of stones—I haven’t seen one yet—will come after me on this and not let me change the subject. That could be a big problem.

There’s a book somewhere that says you reap what you sow. I sure hope that book’s wrong.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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