Along Came a Spider

March 9, 2017

So I was in my playroom pulling the legs off 100 spiders  when my consigliere Steverino entered. He was muttering, “Designated survivor, designated survivor. Designated survivor? Yes, yes, yes!”

“Vladimir Ilyich Bannon, how goes it?”

“Fine, Mr. President Super Baby DonDon. What are you doing?”

“I’m pulling all the legs off these spiders and reattaching them with Scotch tape or staples.”

“Some of the ones you’ve done already look like Trumpcare.”

“Point taken, but you know we don’t call it that, V.I. Bannon. Say, do you think the spiders silently scream when I pull off their legs?”

“I don’t know.”

“I like to think they do.”

“Mr. President Super Baby DonDon, I have something important to say.”

“Mind if I keep operating on the spiders while you do? Could you pass me that nail gun?”

“Of course. Sir, I think that when you next address a joint session of Congress we should consider putting Operation Designated Survivor into effect.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, for it to really work, you would appoint me to a Cabinet position and then I would be the one Cabinet officer who doesn’t attend your speech at the Capitol.”

“You don’t want to attend my speech? You hurt Super Baby DonDon’s feelings.”

“No, no, it’s just strategic. I could replace Rick Perry and, really, who would know? I don’t think Rick Perry would. Anyway, sir, I would write your speech as always because when you’re not enforcing any regulations, a Cabinet secretary has a lot of time on his hands. And I think I could write a really explosive speech, a true barn-burner. It would be like you were dropping a great big bomb on the Capitol.”

“Sounds good. I do love to shake things up. Oh, and when do we tell Rick Perry? I’d like to be able to pull off his arms and legs first, okay?”

“Absolutely, Mr. President Super Baby DonDon, absolutely. Anything else I can do for you?”

“More spiders! More spiders!”

The following two tabs change content below.
Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

Latest posts by Andrew Feinberg (see all)