There’s a Bridge I’d Like to Sell You


September 22, 2016

Oh, Baby DonDon’s head is spinning and hair is getting weird. Following the good news of the terror attacks, we’ve got terrible news from the Bridgegate trial in Newark, NJ. Both the prosecution and the defense said Chris Christie knew about the George Washington Bridge lane closures.

Chris, you will recall, has gone from being my friend to my bitch to my hostage to head of my freakin’ transition team. He’s going to help pick the Secretary of Transportation, God help us all. I don’t know, maybe we can abolish that department.

You might recall that during the primaries I said Chris knew about the lane closures. “He knew,” I said. “He knew.”

But I was campaigning against him then and I would have said anything. Did I believe what I said?

You’re asking ME? Who knows? I don’t know. The art of the spew is that you just keep riffing until weird, nasty stuff comes out. All my statements are transactional, negotiable and totally reversible.

Yes, yes, I thought seriously of naming Chris as my veep. Sounds stupid, I know, but you’ve got to understand, I’ve gained a lot of weight campaigning and I thought having Chris as my running mate would help me look thin. Hey, Chris would make Dumbo look thin. (No offense meant, Chris.)

And then there’s this awful photo of Chris and his aide David Wildstein laughing at the 12th annual 9/11 memorial service, which is not exactly a Friars roast. The prosecutors say they are laughing about the lane closures and the desperate attempts by the mayor of Fort Lee to get the lanes reopened. Bad optics. Really, really bad optics.

Now this is so awkward. No, no, no! What if Chris gets indicted? (Heck, what if I get indicted for my foundation crimes? More on that tomorrow.)

This could hurt my brand. I always say I will hire the best people, and now the head of my transition team has one foot in the slammer. This is not good for Baby DonDon. But if I fire Chris, he might spread vicious lies about me, some of which would be true, so that wouldn’t be good.

I guess the only solution is to make him a permanent part of a rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike or a shuttered casino in Atlantic City. Hey, thank goodness it’s New Jersey. There are lots of contractors to call.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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