February 15, 2017
So many of you out there are rushin’ to judgment about why we tossed aside Mikhail Flynnskikorsakov like an empty bottle of Stoli. Relax, folks. It’s simple. We didn’t fire him for lying. We fired him for lying badly.
Even though many of my top advisers, including Reince Priebusovsky and Stepan Bannonov, were for canning General Flynnskikorsakov earlier, I refused. I did so because I am loyal to a fault—my only fault—and because I enjoyed seeing Flynnskikorsakov suffer.
Later today, Sean Spiceronikov and Kellyanne Conwayabitch will provide more details about our decision to send Flynnskikorsakov to Siberia. But I want you to know one thing: despite many, many press reports saying many of my people had contacts with Russian leaders and Russian intelligence officials during the campaign, we say this didn’t happen. Pavel Manafortitudinov assures me of this and we will continue to say nyet, nyet, nyet.
The Russians have no influence on the Super Baby DonDon presidency, although I do appreciate the new “intern,” Maria Slutskaya, that Vlad Putin sent over.