July 1, 2017
So my son-in-law Jared “Bubbles” Kushner has been screwing everything up that I’ve given him so far so I figured, hey, who’ll even notice another disaster? That’s when I got the brilliant idea of firing Tracy K. Smith, the U.S. poet laureate, and replacing her with Jared. (Bad form, Super Baby DonDon? Why, because she’s a black woman who won the Pulitzer Prize and has degrees from Harvard and Columbia? Boohoo. Double boohoo. And, hey, Jared was smart enough to bribe his way into Harvard, so there.) Then I gave Jared his first poetry assignment, writing “The Ballad of Joe and Mika.” Here it is:
The Ballad of Joe and Mika as Told by Me, Jared Kushner, The New Poet Laureate
Here’s a story about Joe and Mika
One’s a big tool, the other has Zika
Her tiny head houses a teensy brain
Meanwhile, Slow Joe’s going totally insane
Used to love Trump, now they pee on his face
But, hey, Dad likes it, that’s his saving grace.
Mika’s daughters are hookers, sad to say
Hey, she taught them not to give it away
Joe’s kids are disasters, what a surprise
They got brought up hearing their father’s lies
Joe went to ‘Bama, but, wait, don’t you sneer
He double-majored in football and beer.
If they’re fired, it could be good for you know who
Young Jared will rise early to host Morning Jew.
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP. This is Super Baby DonDon talking now. Jared, you’re fired.