The Ballad of Joe and Mika

July 1, 2017

So my son-in-law Jared “Bubbles” Kushner has been screwing everything up that I’ve given him so far so I figured, hey, who’ll even notice another disaster? That’s when I got the brilliant idea of firing Tracy K. Smith, the U.S. poet laureate, and replacing her with Jared. (Bad form, Super Baby DonDon? Why, because she’s a black woman who won the Pulitzer Prize and has degrees from Harvard and Columbia? Boohoo. Double boohoo. And, hey, Jared was smart enough to bribe his way into Harvard, so there.) Then I gave Jared his first poetry assignment, writing “The Ballad of Joe and Mika.” Here it is:

The Ballad of Joe and Mika as Told by Me, Jared Kushner, The New Poet Laureate

Here’s a story about Joe and Mika

One’s a big tool, the other has Zika

Her tiny head houses a teensy brain

Meanwhile, Slow Joe’s going totally insane

Used to love Trump, now they pee on his face

But, hey, Dad likes it, that’s his saving grace.


Mika’s daughters are hookers, sad to say

Hey, she taught them not to give it away

Joe’s kids are disasters, what a surprise

They got brought up hearing their father’s lies

Joe went to ‘Bama, but, wait, don’t you sneer

He double-majored in football and beer.


If they’re fired, it could be good for you know who

Young Jared will rise early to host Morning Jew.


STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP. This is Super Baby DonDon talking now. Jared, you’re fired.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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