January 30, 2017
It is with great pride and humility—ah, screw the humility—that I announce my latest executive order making fact-checking a capital crime. When people fact-check a president, this leads to two competing realities and that is very confusing for many Americans, especially the poorly educated and uninformed. (I love you!) So we can’t have that. (Personally, I have never been guilty of fact-checking, that I can tell you.)
Now that people won’t have to deal with two sets of facts, they will have lots more leisure time to devote to uninvited groping and special-needs showers.
We have already held our first trial of a New York Times reporter. The trial was held privately and lasted only 17 minutes, which saved taxpayers a lot of money. After the trial, we gave the condemned reporter a choice of execution methods, because I believe in people’s right to choose—unless they are women. The reporter chose to become part of my beautiful Mexican wall.
Tomorrow the Times will run a very important editorial on the fact-checking issue headlined “Our Bad, We Be Sad.”
I have appointed Kellyanne Conway as Commissioner of Facts. Because, really, she has the best facts. From now on, Kellyanne and Sean Spicer will conduct an invitation-only daily briefing for Sean Hannity, Alex Jones and two reporters who have not yet been executed.