Duck and Cover



August 3, 2016

So yesterday Eugene Robinson, the noted maggot, called me crazy. Then, after I said I might not endorse Paul Ryan and John McCain in their primaries, “Sleepy Eyes” Chuck Todd said the party was thinking of ditching me as the nominee. Reince Priebus, who should really spend his time looking into a name change, was calling around to see if I might withdraw.

This morning Frank Bruni of the New York Times called me a toddler. Am not, am not, you dickface. He said I’m “a repository of almost every character trait we reprimand children for.” Look, Mr. Looney Bruni, this might be a good time to tell you I have procured nuclear weapons and one might soon be headed your way. Care to print a retraction?

Now I hear that Republicans close to me are plotting an intervention. Good luck with that. Haven’t you learned yet that my brand is vengeance? Mess with me and I will hit back so hard you’ll need an underwear change. Just ask the Khans.

As Republicans abandon me, how is Baby DonDon planning to fight back? Today I am putting all my energy into training and mobilizing millions of Trumpster Youth. Folks, I will bring the Second Amendment to the second grade!

It’s the summer and many kids are bored and primed for violence. I, a proud military school graduate, will teach them how to march, how to shoot and how to capture territory from my enemies. But can nine-year-olds be trusted with automatic weapons?

We’ll see.

As for getting me to step aside, they will have to pry this nomination from my cold dead hands.

Thank you. And may you have the good fortune not to cross Baby DonDon or any Trumpster Youth today.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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