Desperate Times, Really Desperate Measures

August 7, 2016

The New York End Times lead story today is about Senate and House candidates running away from me. The article calls me “erratic and belligerent.” Well, I call the two reporters asshat doucheweasels. So there. I win.

I’ve pissed on party unity, but there may be something to it. Therefore, I promised Ted Cruz I would appoint him to the new cabinet post of Grand Inquisitor if he convinced some of his crazies to back me. Folks, it is not enough to be against religious tolerance, you must be sufficiently rabid to enforce it. And Ted is. Mr. Constitution has already said no Muslim or atheist can be elected president and I’m sure he’s willing to take that much further. I wonder: can the Obama presidency be annulled?

Have you seen the three-minute Times video about my rallies? Scary stuff. But my base has a lot of hate to let out, after suffering through almost eight years of Kenyan Muslim rule. Our polling shows some of my supporters think David Duke is way too tolerant. It takes talent and imagination to pander to these folks.

On that point, another guy quoted in the paper said he used to think I was a loose cannon like a fox, but now seems to think I’m a loose cannon like a flatulent hippo. Don’t stand behind me, fella.

Roger Stone says it may be time to add a ritual sacrifice to our rallies. Okay, it’s a plan! Do we think outside the box or what?

My Life Matters!

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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