They Didn’t Even Say Melania Was a Hooker

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August 24, 2016

Baby DonDon just did something YUGE! And how often do I say that?

Well, okay, okay, but this time I mean it. So Trump Revealed, the book by a team of Washington Post-Apocalypse reporters, came out yesterday and I read 50 pages. It is a complete nothingburger. The authors don’t use the words “lie” or “racist” at all, which probably reduced the size of the book by 30%.

And on the issue I worried about most—was Dad in the Klan?—the authors bend over backwards trying to suck up to me. They suggest Dad’s 1927 arrest at the Klan rally in Queens was unfair (my favorite word!!) and you can’t know if he was pro-Klan or anti-Klan or neither.

Folks, if Dad did something anti-Klan that would have been weird. He would have told me.

They mention that Trump Steaks was a rancid deal, but they forget that during the campaign I pretended the brand still existed when it didn’t. They praise my not firing Corey Lewandowski for roughing up the female Breitbart reporter. Like, wow.

Even the digs are minor-league. About my desire to seek publicity, they write: “He would, his detractors said, attend the opening of an envelope.”

That depends on the size of the envelope, doesn’t it?

So Baby DonDon won!! I am the prevailer-in-chief!! And here’s my takeaway: years ago I said the secret of women is, “You have to treat ‘em like shit.” Well, now I want to expand that idea. “You have to treat the press like shit, too.”

Folks, I directly threatened the owner of the Post-Apocalypse, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, with a tougher tax policy and the authors of Trump Revealed don’t even mention that. It looks as if Jeff Bezos is running scared. He’s afraid I’ll take away the Washington Post, his new favorite toy.

My triumph over Bezos has clear foreign policy implications. I will make a stand, sometimes threatening to nuke an enemy, and then I will act like my foreign policy adviser Tom Petty:

“Well, I won’t back down

No, I won’t back down

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won’t back down.”

I’m thinking of making this our new national anthem. WE WILL NEVER BACK DOWN! It’s going to be America First. Trump First. No, America First. No, Trump first. Trump! Trump! Trump!

To our enemies I say, “Hey, baby, there ain’t no easy way out.”

Thank you.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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