Ethical Laps

March 15, 2017

I love women with ethical laps, but I haven’t touched anybody’s lap lately, that I can tell you. Which makes me feel a lot less like my usual mellow self.

Oh, you thought I meant something else? Christ, can they stop writing stories about ethics for like five seconds? This is getting ridiculous. Yes, we know that my nominee for secretary of agriculture, Sonny Perdue, kept running his four blah blah blah farming companies when he was governor of Georgia and had the state do him a favor or two blah blah blah. But this is nothing compared to what I’m getting away with. Christ, where’s your perspective? Besides, Perdue is a great name for an agriculture secretary. Isn’t that enough?

People, I finally finished reading that incredibly long New Yorker article about my crooked Azerbaijan fiasco that could send me to the slammer titled “Donald Trump’s Worst Deal.” I mean the magazine is crooked, not me. Got to be careful here. The article left me in a state of diswilberment, though. Gee, it looks like I helped Iran with its weapons program.

But that’s not the point! The point I want to make is that the article was as long as a book. And I consider it a book. As president I declare it a book. So I have, too, read a book in the last 40 years.

Anyone who says different is a crooked asshat.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.

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