Bag of Tricks

Campaign strategy

DonDon on missile

This 2006 photo provided by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows a female Aedes aegypti mosquito in the process of acquiring a blood meal from a human host. (James Gathany/Centers for Disease Control and Prevention via AP)

July 30, 2016

So everyone is asking Baby DonDon to respond to Mr. Khan’s speech at the Democratic Convention about his war hero son. Here’s what I say to the Khan-man. How would you feel if we took your little Constitution and shoved it up your ass?

I bet that would change your constitution. Just remember that old Arab saying: revenge is a dish best served daily.

This weekend Roger Stone and Paulie Walnuts are going over our dirty tricks strategy. We’ll start with the basics, like placing $500 room service orders for 4 AM delivery to members of the Clinton team. We’ll throw dozens of panties and room keys at Bill Clinton when he speaks.

And Roger and Paulie are in touch with Florida’s great governor, Rick Scott, who has done a wonderful job protecting his state from the invasion of science. Rick has forbidden state employees from using the politically correct terms “climate change” and “global warming” in their memos and reports. (President Obama, this is what leadership looks like.)

Well, the Zika mosquito is now in Florida and we might borrow a few from Rick and use them strategically in the campaign, perhaps putting them in those 4 AM room service deliveries. And, of course, the nuclear option is on the table. IT IS ALWAYS ON THE TABLE. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to stop Crooked Hillary from becoming president.

And I mean nothing.

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Andrew Feinberg

Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump. It is available on Amazon. He is the author or co-author of five non-fiction books. His political journalism and humor have appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Playboy, GQ, Barron's and Kiplinger's Personal Finance.
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